Working from home has lots of pros. I can prepare my non-sugar non-dairy non-gluten non-joyful lunch with anything handy here. I can run errands whenever. I can sit in the recliner with my dad’s ancient laptop and ice my back while writing. I can work with my students at 5am or 8pm, whenever’s convenient.
But I’m with my own thoughts aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the time.
And with depression always lurking on the edge, this isolation can get nasty.
Take this morning.
The heater goes wonky.
I’ve got fifty posts from students to sort through, not including their projects. This all needs to get graded in the next few days.
I have an interview for a full-time position to prepare for.
I have a novel that needs serious course correction.
Will the boys be sent home again?
How will we afford Bash’s ER visit from that damn lego up his nose?
What if the heater breaks?
What if the roof starts leaking from all that heavy snow?
Blondie so badly wants to spend time with animals. Where to do that, when to do that…
I have to go to choir tonight on these shitty roads and I HATE driving on slick roads, I’ll spin out, I’ll end up in the ditch and how will we afford that?
My heart starts going nuts.
My breathing rushes.
I get light-headed.
I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
NOT A HEART ATTACK. A PANIC ATTACK.
I WON’T LET IT GET TO ME.
I stagger upstairs, call Bo. He talks about work, about the roads, about anything as I slowly get up, open a window. Breathe.
Breathe, Jean, breathe.
Panic attacks fucking suck. They have a strong ally in depression.
But you won’t beat this lady. I’ve faced postpartum depression twice without meds. I’ve battled my own body. I faced the Monster who abused me. I’ve overcome loss and pain and FUCK you, panic, you will NOT own me.
I’m gonna keep breathing. Fighting. Mothering. Writing.
Never give up, my friends. Never, ever, give up.
Oh, PS, the novel’s on sale, yadda yadda.
Jean Lee's World 
Wrapping you in arms of support. Don’t forget to breathe.
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I won’t, Friend, thanks. It helps to have Bo home again, and he’s insisting I watch Police Academy movies with him. There’s healing to be found in absurdity 🙂
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I’ve given myself 20 minutes to wander through the WordPress world to say “hello” instead of feeling overwhelmed with paperwork, emails, and other projects…your post lets me know I’m not alone, reminds me to breathe and just let things be!
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Yes, you must! Stuff isn’t going anywhere. Just do what you need to and when, and it all gets done in the end. x
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Somedays Homebased is wonderful but other days it’s the full Spanish Inquisition. I know how tough it can get. But good on you, tell it to bugger off. Good job it wasn’t the full millennium falcon set up the poor kids nose. Fingers crossed for your interview. Look after yourself.xxxx
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Oh heavens, the cost of the of that lego….one wee little stud piece cost more than the ENTIRE DEATH STAR SET. Trying to take things one hour at a time.
And watching Police Academy 3 🙂
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Now your talking. Laughing is a saviour. A couple of years back I bought him a couple of Lord of the Ring Lego sets. He didn’t open one and when I asked him about why he wasn’t building it he replied – I might leave that one boxed until I’ve grown up it’s an investment…..
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HA! Good kid. x
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keep breathing my darling. Keep breathing. Sometimes working from home is the worst, you know, People think it’s a piece of cake too. Cos of course you DON’T work. But you know what….? Let that tell you you are awesome cos you have this discipline and that takes guts. Now go breath deep.x
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Oh heavens, yes, and it’s like, no one gets I’m doing the job, just at home. Breathing deep as much as I can as best I can. Thank you, O Lovely Lady Shey xxxxx
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Oh aye that is what people think. So they see no reason not to intrude right left and centre and all, Thing is they have no idea how hard it is it, how you work days you are really ill etc cos no work, no pay. So keep your chin up
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I will, I promise xxxxx
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Awww… so sorry that you struggle with such a disabling and unpleasant symptom. And I absolutely agree with you – much as I regard the ability to work from home as a great privilege – managing mental health is a MAJOR issue. Hugsxxx
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Thanks, Friend! I’m hoping that after the interview tomorrow, I can ease at least a little of the stress. I’ve got to just tackle one thing at a time 🙂
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For sure:(. You may find that giving so many things up at once has tilted your body chemistry somewhat, which is an aggravating factor. I found the contraceptive pill triggered panic attacks in me, which was both disabling and upsetting at a time in my life when I didn’t need such an extreme symptom to mess things up further…
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Oh, an excellent point! I know I did some degree of comfort eating, esp with peanut butter, so NOT having that’s been throwing me off, too. But it’s Day 15. I can do this!
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So… halfway through! In fact – more than halfway through:)). Hope you’re feeling a whole lot betterx
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I’m getting there! 🙂
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Best of luck to you!
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Jean, I don’t know what to say. But I’m confident that you’ll be okay. As you said: “I’m gonna keep breathing. Fighting. Mothering. Writing.”
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Thank you. 🙂
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When I get like that — which isn’t all that much anymore because a) kids are off to college; and b) I think that as you get older that kind of crazed out-of-your-body anxiousness simmers down until it all but evaporates — I breathe, but I also focus on the tiniest little thing that I can get control of, something that I can check off the list of the things always threatening to derail me, and somehow in regaining control through that one little thing you can refocus, shift your energy back to creation rather than chaos, and move past the panic. So read one post from a student. Now you only have 49. Or decide to skip choir practice or — can you participate by Skype? – and if you change your mind later you didn’t spend the day obsessing about all the ways it can go wrong. The Law of Attraction is a powerful ally; use it to focus on what nourishes you, not what could possibly tear you down and you will find sometimes that you are practically floating a few inches off the ground, going from one task to the next without even realizing it. I also do this thing that I learned in my mastering alchemy class where you surround yourself at the edge of your aura (so that’s your arm’s length away from your body all around you, like a bubble that we each live in that’s all ours) with roses. Roses have more energy than any other flower on the planet (don’t ask me who figures this shit out) and they offer some psychic protection which sounds all weird and woo-woo, but it’s comforting to surround yourself with (virtual, obvi) roses, especially on Valentine’s Day. Good luck in there, Jean, and Happy Valentine’s Day. xo
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What a lovely idea with the roses, Pam, and thank you! I think I felt this way after doing my blog yesterday–one thing done. I just focused on what I *could* do instead of *should*, and things got a lot less tight in the chest. That’s how I’m going to approach the next few days until I can totally simmer down. xxxx
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👌👍😍
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Hugs to you Jean, and an extra prayer for peace! Being at home can be SO HARD. The kids don’t get why I play music- any music- loudly, all day. It’s the only way to stay out of my head. When our plumbing died and the money worries started again I just played the same peppy positive cd over and over (probably drove em nuts) but even if I couldn’t feel the hopeful words, they helped keep the dark out. You’re loved, friend. xxxxxxxxx
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Thank you! I knew you’d understand. Praying we can both find some moments to breathe easy, esp when you’ve got another snow day on your hands and I just got another phone call from the school that Bash has to stay separate from his class for the day because he lashed out again. We need all the prayers we can get xxxxxxxxx
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Absolutely- aaaannnd they just called school again tomorrow…! Sorry to hear about Bash’s difficulties- he’s such a bright little guy, and he’s got you and Bo- hang in there, friend. There are big plans for him, I’m sure of it. xxxxxxxx
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Thanks, Friend. Hope you survived this snow day!
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Panic attacks are very real and they do suck. You keep on “breathing. Fighting. Mothering. Writing.” For you I pray for the day when you look around and have no less stuff on your plate and get to realize “Hey – I’m not panicking!” (And I also praying for you to enjoy more serene days -days there is less urgent stuff incessantly knocking)❣️
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Thank you, Leslie! Gosh, I could use a few of those days. But my kids are healthy, we are warm and fed. I’ve much to be at peace about. So on those things, I’ll pray for more strength to keep moving forward. x
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