Anybody else have to do laundry on Mother’s Day? I did my best setting the twins off to put away clothes while Blondie helped me fold. The job got done…eventually. Bo grilled despite the snow/rain outside, so our tummies were warm and full by the end of the day. 🙂
All that laundry yesterday got me thinking about which Tough Guide to Fantasy Land highlights I wanted to share today for Wyrd and Wonder.
There are many world-building curiosities DWJ clearly had fun poking at in her book, attire being one of them.
CLOTHING. Although this varies from place to place, there are two absolute rules:
- Apart from ROBES, no garment thicker than a SHIRT ever has sleeves.
- No one ever wears SOCKS.
See also CLOAKS, COSTUME, and KNITTING.
COSTUME. It is a curious fact that, in Fantasyland, the usual Rules for CLOTHING are reversed. Here, the colder the climate, the fewer the garments worn. In the SNOWBOUND NORTH, the BARBARIAN HORDES wear little more than a fur loincloth and copper wristguards (see CHILBLAINS and HYPOTHERMIA). However, as one progresses south to reach the ANGLO-SAXON COSSACKS, one finds VESTS and BOOTS added to this costume. Further south still, the inhabitants of the VESTIGIAL EMPIRE wear short SKIRTS and singlets and add to this a voluminous wrapper on cold days. Thereafter, clothing steadily increases in thickness and quantity, until one finds the DESERT NOMADS in the tropics muffled to the eyebrows in layers of ROBES (see HEATSTROKE).
UNDERWEAR is optional and largely nonexistent. It is believed that some form of loincloth or drawers is sometimes permitted, but the Management is naturally coy on this subject. Bras are certainly unknown, but in the case of dancing girls may be replaced by sequined things with tassels.
SOCKS are never worn in Fantasyland. People thrust their feet, usually unwashed, straight into BOOTS.
BOOTS. In Fantasyland these are remarkable in that they seldom or never wear out and are suitable for riding or walking in without the need of SOCKS. Boots never pinch, rub, or get stones in them; nor do nails stick upwards into the feet from the soles. They are customarily mid-calf length or knee-high, slip on and off easily, and never smell of feet. Unfortunately, the formula for making this splendid footwear is a closely guarded secret, possibly derived from nonhumans (see DWARFS, ELVES, and GNOMES).
Ah, sharing Diana Wynne Jones always brings a smile to m’face. We’ll see how the antics with our schooling at home help me choose tomorrow’s selection. In the meantime, stay healthy and keep on walkin’!
Read on, share on, and write on, my friends!
Jean Lee's World 
Young Ms Lee, I feel compelled to take issue with ‘Apart from ROBES, no garment thicker than a SHIRT ever has sleeves’ and point out that should it be the case my winter coat was sleeveless then my demise would be a racing certainty. I jest. A fine post by the way. Regards, The Old Fool
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HA! I should think ANYone this side of reality would feel the same, Master Steeden! Epic Fantasy, however, can be a balmy thing when it comes to attire. 🙂
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Entertaining post. Thanks.
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Thank you! I do so love all how Jones’ wit shines in this book.
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This is so so funny. How come Frodo can get his one set of clothes to survive a huge 3 book journey to Mount Doom, surviving countless battles, mountains and swamps and yet we can’t get 4 pairs of school trousers to last one term at school. xxx
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OH MY GOSH YES. I go threw a dozen pairs of jeans in the cold months, easy.
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Funnily enough I was watching ‘Men in Black International’ last night (okay, sci-fi rather than fantasy) and I was wondering how Agents H and M weren’t cold in the desert as night drew on only wearing their amazingly crisp and unsullied white shirts. That’s fiction for you 😉
Great music clip, by the way 🙂
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HA! Yeah, ain’t that the way? It’s amazing how a pair of dwarf boots can trample all over Middle Earth to fight the ultimate battle against evil, but my kids’ jeans can’t last a month. Gah! 🙂
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And how is it that I watch film after film, happily suspending belief over improbable plots, but still end up wondering why our heroine’s hair isn’t mussed and her makeup’s still perfect??
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LMAO! I know, right? Maybe that’s another reason we love John McClane so much in Die Hard. He looks increasingly awful with every scene. 🙂
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These boots are made for walking gave me a smile. Thanks
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Glad you got a chance to smile today 🙂
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Backup dancers galore! And happy mother’s day to you (again) and yes, I do laundry in my sleep!
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Ha ha! I have a feeling I’ll be at that point pretty soon! 🙂
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😂🤣😂😩
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